So, it’s been a while.
I’ve written many versions of this post over the past month or so, but the main thing I keep trying to express is this: this year has basically destroyed any sense of creative direction that I previously had, and right now I’m trying to find my way to some new direction.
It’s the pandemic, yes, but it’s also the fact that it arrived right in the midst of a midlife re-evaluation of all my goals, at a moment when I was already feeling pretty exhausted creatively, and after four exhausting years of exhausting, awful politics, with exhausting, awful people right at the top of it all. I keep using that word because “exhausted” is a good way of describing how I feel right now about just about everything. Exhausted and anxious.
To be honest, at this moment I’m just kind of waiting for the election to resolve before I take any direction. I’m not sure why I feel this way, but I do feel quite strongly that there is no way I’ll be able to really move on with my creative life until the election is done and decided. Naturally I’m hoping for a decisive change in leadership, because things will clearly keep going deeper into the shit if there is no change there. But my life just feels kind of stalled until that shoe drops, regardless of outcome.
Essentially I’m experiencing the worst case of “why bother”-itis that I’ve ever gone through in my life. But right now seems like a good time to start pulling myself out of this mindset. So I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces and figure out what I even want to do from now on. Most of what I had been doing stopped making sense shortly after the pandemic arrived (in my case, March 13th), and a lot of those things seem over for good at this point. So now what?
On the positive side, I’ve been playing a lot of piano this whole time, in a focused and serious manner. Learning classical music has been a powerful source of self-soothing this year. You’re not confronting a void and trying to fill it with something — you’re confronting a score and trying to figure out how to bring it to life. Each measure poses a problem to which you need to come up with a creative solution, but in essence all you are doing is solving a puzzle that many, many, many others have also solved. Knowing there must be a way to do it is very reassuring. I’ve spent much time on several intermediate-to-advanced classical pieces by all the big composers, and I’ve applied myself to mastering lots of basic technique that I just never got around to working on years ago. (For example, scales in 10ths and executing arpeggios cleanly at speed.) I’ve honestly never played better in my life. And the music itself is inspiring and lifts the mood. Schubert’s Impromptus op. 90 have been the steadiest companion through all of this. I always meant to learn them and now I have.
I’ve also put a lot of work into studying the technical skills of orchestration and arrangement, and brushed up on my conventional harmony and counterpoint skills. In addition to that book work, I’ve used the savings from not traveling to do a comprehensive upgrade of all my hardware and software, and I’ve been learning to use all that stuff during these past months. That’s not as interesting to read about as the music I’ve been learning, so suffice to say, I’ve acquired a number of technical skills that will help me when I do start regularly composing and writing again.
I feel certain that some kind of creative work is incubating inside me. What will it be?
Right now though, I need to go on a walk. It is sunny and bright and cold here and I have about 90 minutes until I start teaching. Maybe the cafe will still be open and I can get a coffee there.